She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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