haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
