hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
