When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
