What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
