I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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