we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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