So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
