My Higher Power is John Stamos
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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