I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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