Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
