I'm going to jail i love you
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
