Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
