I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
