Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
