Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
