Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
