some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
