If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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