the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
