My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
