Moan for me like Helen Keller
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
