My balls are so social today.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
