i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
