My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
