Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm passing your future prison.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
