Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
