i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
