I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
