these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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