How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
