My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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