I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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