my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
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