A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
