I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
