I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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