Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
