i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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