He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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