a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
