I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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