Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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