The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
