Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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