If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
