I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
