your parents love me but you hate me
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
