We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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