I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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